Why? Because one person has the power to make or break your day. They have the ability to make you smile, laugh, and even cry. One person can have so much to hold over me. I’m vulnerable. And for me, that’s a scary position to be in.
(Source: w0ahpaigexo, via giveinforgethepast)
I don’t really know where to begin, I’m just going to babble on and type whatever comes to mind, so here it goes. I miss you so much. Not one day goes by without you crossing my mind. I feel so guilty that I didn’t see you as much when you were in the nursing home, it was hard for me to see you like that, it was hard for everyone. I wish we saw the signs of your dementia, it would of saved a lot of heart ache. When mum told me you had cancer, I didn’t take that much notice of it, sure you were in and out of radio therapy, in and out of hospital, it was hard to understand then because I was only still young. I remember that time you were in the nursing home and I played the whole “what’s that” trick on you, you laughed when I flung my finger across your nose. I hadn’t heard you laugh for a couple of years before that day. I also remember that time mama said I love you to you, just like every other night before she would leave the nursing home, but this night was different, you said I love you back and you said it in such a loud voice, she started crying because we hadn’t heard you speak for so long. I’m pretty sure that was the last time I heard your voice. That was about 9 months before you passed away. I hated when you had your fevers, they were so bad. I hated all the stress it caused everyone, it was hard to cope with. I couldn’t bare it anymore when you didn’t even recognise me, it would take a while of talking to you for you to know that you actually knew me, but you couldn’t ever put your finger on who I was, you had forgotten me, you had forgotten your little pussy cat. I miss the old times when you had your travel agency and I would sit on your lap helping you play solitaire, I miss the fish stickers you would let me put all over my face and arms. I miss going for walks with you with you holding my hand. I miss Serbian Easter, cracking the eggs with you and sneaking extra chocolates for each other. I know what I’m writing isn’t exactly in chronological order or anything deda, so you would probably get confused with the layout easily, even though you were so hard to confuse, you were such a smart man, always figuring things out. I remember you had that massive puzzle in your office, we use to try and find all the right pieces for one spot at a time, we would always give up and go watch tv. I miss when you would buzz mama from that intercom and say “sivi, coffee”, I miss taking that coffee to you. I miss helping mama make those biscuits that you loved and eating them with you. I miss everything about you. I miss you telling me and natasha off for talking at the dinner table. I miss staying up late at west croydon and waiting for you to rock up in your taxi and me and paul going out with mama to give you a coffee, talking to you for five minutes and then you driving off finding someone else to drive around. I miss our arguments of me wanting to be called your little puppy dog instead of pussy cat. I miss making little sculptures for you out of all your little nicnacs you had laying around in your office. I miss you teaching me how to swim, I know now how but it would still be nice if you were holding my tummy up and helping me float. I miss trying to get the remote out of your hand when you fell asleep on the recliner, but of course you would wake up, snatch it right back from me and just say “my eyes are closed but I’m listening” me arguing back with the “but deda you were snoring, can’t I change the channel?”. I miss you picking me up from school and my butt getting stuck to the leather seats, no matter how much I complained, I loved that car. I hope you’re watching over me now, if it is you in my room, I hope you’re not upset with me because I kiss Tom. He’s a nice boy, I think you would’ve liked him, but I think you would’ve scared him, you have always been quite an intimidating man. I hope you’re proud of me, I wish you were around to see how good I am doing in some of my subjects. I wish you were here to see me finish primary school and start high school, you weren’t even here to see paul finish or start high school either. I never thanked you for that time you came to one of my actual swimming lessons, even though it was hard for you to breathe, you still came in the small muggy swimming room at mums old work. I wish you could see that I’ve actually grown, you said I was going to be tiny forever. I wonder how you would be acting right now, about the whole uncle brian divorcing janet, him moving back in with mama, would you be mean to him? I wish you two got along more, he loves you very much, all he ever wanted was your approval, for you to say “I’m proud of you son, you did well. I love you” I don’t think those words were ever spoken to him. He tried so hard to impress you, but you were never satisfied. You were so strict on him, I just think you should’ve at least told him you were proud of him. I love you so much deda, I wish I saw you more, I’m sorry I never learnt Serbian or Hungarian, I wish I did so when you spoke to me that time in the nursing home, I would’ve understood you and be able to talk back. I hope the after life is treating you well and I know that one day I’ll be there with you. One thing is for sure though deda, I’m never becoming a smoker. I hate cancer, I hate strokes and I hate dementia. I wish you could of stayed with us longer, mama is so lonely without you, she is in that big bed all by herself. You left the world to soon, I wish I could just hug you one more time and bury my face into your belly like I use to. I hope you’re watching over all of us, I know that you don’t really like tattoos but I’m getting a small guardian angel on the back of my shoulder, it will represent you watching over me, you are my guardian angel deda, I love you. I could go on forever deda but I think you get the picture. I miss you so much but I know one day we will be reunited.
Rest in peace deda.
Love from your little pussy cat, Monica.
So I am going to continue venting out all my anger, better then cutting myself, and not many people actually read large posts like these. So here it goes.
10 years-
You were actually a good friend, then high school happened and you turned into a big pile of shit, a lying, two faced, slutty douche who is boy obsessed and and dog as fuck.
You are selfish and melodramatic, your boyfriend gives me the shits and I wish I could cut his small dick off and permanently stick his dick inside your loose ugly vagina. Btw you have no tits and cellulite on your ass so standing next to you always makes me feel better about myself because you’re an ugly rat. If only I could shave all your hair off and take away all your make up and precious clothes. You would be nothing. You have a shit personality and you blame everything on everyone else and never take responsibility or own up to your actions. This has always fucked me off. You’re a coward and a piece of white dog shit. You are a keyboard warrior and a hypocrite and I hope you die a slow and painful death and I hope you lose everyone around you too. You don’t deserve happiness. This may be spiteful but someone like you does not deserve happiness at all. You create stupid pointless drama and get everyone caught up in your bullshit. You are the only person who is allowed to be happy and basically you’re a spoilt bitch. I hope your ugly fart ass boyfriend cheats on you with someone even uglier then you. Fat slut.
3 years-
Now for that so called friend of mine I have had since year 8. You can shove all your good memories with me up your tiny tight asshole. You do not deserve anything you get, you are just as spoilt as the other one. You are a compulsive liar and if I could I would jump on your body repeatedly and cut you all over your body so you actually know what it feels like to have a knife harm you, considering you have lied about cutting yourself, that’s a fair punishment.
You have lied about so many diseases too, I hope you get all of them.
You’re so jealous and fake and all I have towards you are negative feelings. You’re a piece of shit and I hope that you go see a counsellor because you my dear are one fucked up kid. Did you ever actually think that I wouldn’t figure out everything? You’re pathetic. I can’t wait for the day your head gets kicked in, but don’t worry, you’ll get sympathy and attention for it, just like you’ve always wanted, everyone worrying about you. You make me sick and you are a poor excuse of a human being. I hope you die alone.
These holidays have made me realise how shit people are and how much I want to leave this fucking state. Cbf people. I wouldn’t mind solitary, as long as I had music and a couple of pets, I wouldn’t mind living far away, near a beach, I don’t know, I’m a people person but people suck so right now being alone is a great option, I’m just happy I have him.
This brings me to a nicer part of my ranting, my boyfriend.
You’re the best thing that’s happened to me ever, better than food. I love you so much and I am so happy that I have you, you actually keep me sane and a half normal person, as soon as we have enough money I want to go buy a place of our own, that way every night I can fall asleep right next to you. Whenever I’m sad I actually think about that, our future. If we lived together we wouldn’t be sending 5 thousand texts a month, so dad wouldn’t think I’m a freak and threaten to break my thumbs. We would be able to make meals together, watch movies together, play games together, it would be a real game of life. We would have so much privacy and we could fuck anywhere in the house because we are the only people who live there. We could walk around naked and have sex in the shower whenever we want. Thinking of that makes me a happier person. Just knowing that one day we can do that makes me feel a bit calmer. It may or may not happen, the future is never certain, but for now just those thoughts are enough to keep my going. You’re my best friend and you’re my hero. I could write a book about you, that sounds creepy but I reassure you that I mean it in a good way.
That gives me an idea, while you’re away on your cruise I could write a short story, or a small novel considering all the free time I would have.
Hshaiebsbsmmtkxjjskwzljebsnkaalelcskwkcjyriqoclmxnzsnsmmsdbkawpjxhzmdnvhwpwpznfjgieogdqhwkfixsntkogdjdlsmhbeloxhem I sort of feel a bit better now, lol a thousand words later I do habah
Everyone is full of shit I swear to fucking god you cannot trust anyone. Within a span of two weeks I have lost two very important people, well they were important until they turned into big fucking bitch two faced bullshit over dramatic fucks.
I legit can only trust a handful of people, it’s bullshit, a friend from 10 years, gone. You know what fuck everyone who has ever made up lies that I’ve “said” fuck everyone who dogs me, you’re all cunt an attention seekers and I cannot wait until someone bottles your stupid faces. You all deserve the worst.
Have a nice fucking life dickheads.
